chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
