"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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