My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
