I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize