1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
nutella sex= disaster
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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