my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
