i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
