My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
