so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
