Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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