my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
