i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
