Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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