i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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