I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
