mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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