Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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