My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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