what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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