I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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