i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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