There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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