I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We need to rekindle our bromance
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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