I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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