Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
