Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
