in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
