I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
