the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
