I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
