You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
