I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
