my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
my shit smells like andre
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
