my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize