My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
