So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He better not be in your backpack
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
