your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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