Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
