he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
