i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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