I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
