I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
