I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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