the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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