There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
