Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The air taste purple.
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