not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
