I could have mohawked her pubes.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
