He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
