this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize