he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
