I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize