call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
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