Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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